Strong links are formed in extreme conditions. I was drafted for 15 months in the German Military. You form strong links out of necessity sharing a tiny living space. Stronger than any links formed in the 17 years at that AAA gaming company here in France, albeit, there have been some strong links formed as well. Links that transcend religion, language or culture. A different kind of "tribal" link.
That is a great point. I'm formulating a few different conditions that may incentivize strong-link or weak-link interaction and extreme conditions (or general scarcity) definitely need to be on the list. And although I didn't serve in the military myself, I grew up in a military town and thus had a lot of friends that ended up serving in various capacities. The more extreme, for lack of a better term, the capacity that they served in the more bonded they seemed to be to those who shared that experience. For instance, one of my best friends ended up serving multiple tours on the bomb squad. There is absolutely no room for weak-link behavior in that scenario.
May 10, 2023·edited May 10, 2023Liked by Spencer Orenstein Lequerica
nope. you can be weak, though, but reliable. also, we are highly influenced by peak-end experiences. Ask anyone where they were or what they did on 9/11...
edit: the nope was in agreement as a response to the "no weak link behaviour"...
This story really shed some insight into what makes you, you. Enjoyed it a lot.
I played a game last year called Pentiment that was very much a strong link society. It took place in a Dutchy in Bavaria in the 16th century. But generally, abbeys in those days were very close knit.
Oh I love the suggestion of a game! If I can sort of spoil (and also for my own accountability) a bit of what I hope this experiment might eventually become--I want to spend some time studying strong-link and weak-link societies and create a game, maybe a board game (online or physical) or a very simple video game, that basically sorts the player into one of 3 societies, roughly one maximally strong-link one maximally weak-link and one mixed, and then lets them play through different scenarios, either with other humans or with an AI player. That is pretty ambitious, as I have no background in game design, but I am hoping that if I spend 4-6 months on this project I can learn how to create something that other people would like to play.
This is less of a happy one, but something that comes to mind are support groups and/or trauma-bonded communities (particularly if the groups are static and don’t have a lot of turnover or comings and goings). There has to be a lot of trust and care and support otherwise these groups don’t work, and people often share Big Stuff because of it (and because they need it!). It helps consistently reinforce the strong links
It was also interesting to read your perspective as a woman. If a man had been in a similar state to the girl and approached me, I would not have had the same reaction!
My partner, who is a woman, had the same reaction as you when I told her about this encounter. Definitely would've been a very different interaction if the gender roles were reversed. One thing that I want to dig into as I'm looking at strong-link societies is how social interactions work in traditionally matrilineal societies like the Mosuo in China, the Minangkabau in Indonesia, and the Akan in Ghana and Ivory Coast.
It’s beautiful, they have lots of activities to do together as a community mainly around temple worship but they include music groups, art, theater, cooking, dance etc. There’s always a group thing going on.
Very interesting concept for the friendship lottery!
I don’t know if this counts but when I was teaching abroad at a Canadian international school I’m a small town in China, it felt like a strong link society. There were only about 30 of us surrounded by friendly but isolated Chinese who didn’t speak English. As a result our staff got very close - dining together, living together, working together, travelling together, sleeping together... in short, doing everything together.
I’m trying to think of some other strong link societies and I think Indian small towns would fit (perhaps not the large cities). The small farming communities seem quite close from now my partner (who is South Indian) describes them and from what I see in South Indian media.
Thanks! And those responses are exactly what I was hoping for--personal or more niche examples that I would be hard pressed to find via Google. Did you get a sense of whether the isolated Chinese villagers seemed to be strong-link or not? I have a few different ideas about the ingredients that play into the strong-link vs weak-link question: things like proximity to other people, especially strangers; size of the community (think above or below the famous Dunbar Number of approximately 150); collective vs individualistic cultural practices; scarcity vs abundance of resources; harshness of the climate and surrounding environment; top-down power structures vs bottom-up power structures.
If you're interested in being a part of the friendship lottery let me know and I'll throw your name in the proverbial hat when I draw the winners!
Interesting piece! I was drawn in by the fact that you hugged a stranger and wrote an essay about it, haha.
But along with the cultural bit... I think about how some places like NYC (so I hear, never been) I hear people don't really make small talk.
I hear some culture shock things where people from East Asian countries at least, are amazed that Americans make small talk with strangers.
I've heard that people in the south are "more friendly." Here in the Midwest I feel like you can get chatty people here and there but it's never felt weird when a stranger decided to start talking to you (especially if it's not contact or a catcall, haha).
When you talked about the 60s, it made me think about that time and before it for black people. Weak-link would be natural in a sense because of the nature of "blacks vs whites" and how scary it could be. Having that messaging continue to be carried on through generations or just life experiences (like I was listening to Mayim Bialik on her podcast talk to Julian Gant and how he always had police ask him what he's doing on the nice side of town when he was waiting for his wife as she got her nails done. He's said sometimes the interactions were friendly, other times not so much).
I know these weren't super niched examples! It's what came to mind as I read.
Collective vs individualistic was also something I thought of at first too. I know in Korea (it's slightly changing) it's a very community society. It was hard (harder a few years ago) to find places where you could get single servings of food (you know, that wasn't a convivence store or McDonald's). I'd hear YouTubers who lived there talk about how hard it was to find solo activities or food places, but then you need to rely on finding a way into these groups so you didn't feel isolated.
Thanks, Cierra! Glad you liked the piece and niche or not those are helpful examples! In particular you’re 100% right that my 60s example (and unfortunately into today) is definitely different based on race. And I’m flattening a lot of experiences, good and bad, in a country as large as ours. I have lived in a few different parts of the US and also for about a year in a different country and the cultural differences in terms of openness to small talk or strangers is real. Thanks again for reading and commenting! Let me know if you’d like me to enter you into the friendship lottery drawing when I get around to doing it.
Thank YOU for sharing your views! I'm glad you followed that itch to write after that stranger hug, haha. And I'll let you know about the friendship lottery! I'm gonna be honest, I went "eep!" and ran to my cave at the thought ahaha!
What a peculiar yet sweet occurrence! I imagine it's tough and isolating still with the pandemic, so I can empathize for her need for a hug. A thought-provoking essay. I'm not sure about strong link societies. BUT having learned a bit more about the French Foreign Legion, I imagine they're strong-link brothers in arms. In fact, if you have Ukrainians and Russians fighting together in the French Foreign Legion, they have to forget about what is happening in the outside world and become each other's brothers, they're responsible for each other now, no one else.
Thanks, Nadia! The hug was an interesting experience and spurred me to write this essay. Your suggestion of the French Foreign Legion is great! I’ll have to look into it, especially as it seems to transcend national identities.
That is awesome it spurred such an excellent essay! Yes, indeed, it's a fascinating corps, embracing tradition, history (no matter how ugly), brotherhood first, and giving chances to those who may have done wrong in their life in the past.
I suspect that we have the evolutionary instincts to tap into this sort of brotherhood first behavior. I do want to write follow ups that explore that deeper, to understand if my hypothesis is sound and what conditions trigger these positive instincts and what conditions trigger our more fear based responses.
That will undoubtedly be a fascinating read. For me, when it comes to being in the comfort of my home, I'm more open and receptive to others. But in the outside, unless I'm with more people I know and trust and/or we're at a gathering of people who all can trust each other, I'm more guarded. It's instinctual to protect yourself, and it's okay to be on guard because it's better be prepared than sorry lol. Alas, that's the reality of life.
In terms of being guarded in public, I am in total agreement. The downside is obvious and possible (even if unlikely); the upside is nonobvious (and probably even more unlikely). I also think that availability bias and the way that our brain’s focus more on the negative combine to hit that fear based response even harder.
Good points. Maybe someday that will change. But I'm not sure. We'll have to study strong-link situations/societies more and see what is being done right to cultivate that.
Seems to be a strong link situation when one is in a sit-down restaurant, which seems absurd, like how in-group/out-group studies highlight the absurdity of arbitrarily assigned groups. Other diners and staff are felt to be of no threat.
Good point! There’s almost certainly a strong evolutionary biology underpinning here and thanks for reminding me of some of these in group out group studies.
Anything better than being seen with apathy in any town of apathetic people just greeting themselves as if the wide world ended at the border of their apathetic mutual friendship. Sorry, it’s my better description. Regardless tourists, who belong to their own universe of nothingness
I think that the strong-link/weak-link dichotomy also depends on the situation helping to open people up. It's a lot easier to form strong links with a hard-charging project team than people who happen to share an office. Hardship, selection, and compatibility all play a part in forming true friends.
With this in mind, the Friendship Lottery is a great idea. Two people who read the same newsletter and "lucky" enough to go through the "hardship" of meeting a new person are definitely going to end up forming a connection!
Strong links are formed in extreme conditions. I was drafted for 15 months in the German Military. You form strong links out of necessity sharing a tiny living space. Stronger than any links formed in the 17 years at that AAA gaming company here in France, albeit, there have been some strong links formed as well. Links that transcend religion, language or culture. A different kind of "tribal" link.
That is a great point. I'm formulating a few different conditions that may incentivize strong-link or weak-link interaction and extreme conditions (or general scarcity) definitely need to be on the list. And although I didn't serve in the military myself, I grew up in a military town and thus had a lot of friends that ended up serving in various capacities. The more extreme, for lack of a better term, the capacity that they served in the more bonded they seemed to be to those who shared that experience. For instance, one of my best friends ended up serving multiple tours on the bomb squad. There is absolutely no room for weak-link behavior in that scenario.
nope. you can be weak, though, but reliable. also, we are highly influenced by peak-end experiences. Ask anyone where they were or what they did on 9/11...
edit: the nope was in agreement as a response to the "no weak link behaviour"...
This is so interesting and had given me loads to think about.
Giving the reader loads to think about is pretty much the best indication that I did something worthwhile with my writing, so thank you for that!
This story really shed some insight into what makes you, you. Enjoyed it a lot.
I played a game last year called Pentiment that was very much a strong link society. It took place in a Dutchy in Bavaria in the 16th century. But generally, abbeys in those days were very close knit.
Oh I love the suggestion of a game! If I can sort of spoil (and also for my own accountability) a bit of what I hope this experiment might eventually become--I want to spend some time studying strong-link and weak-link societies and create a game, maybe a board game (online or physical) or a very simple video game, that basically sorts the player into one of 3 societies, roughly one maximally strong-link one maximally weak-link and one mixed, and then lets them play through different scenarios, either with other humans or with an AI player. That is pretty ambitious, as I have no background in game design, but I am hoping that if I spend 4-6 months on this project I can learn how to create something that other people would like to play.
Love that idea. I’ve never made a game but I’ve played them all my life. So if you ever get to the playtesting phase, count me in!
This is less of a happy one, but something that comes to mind are support groups and/or trauma-bonded communities (particularly if the groups are static and don’t have a lot of turnover or comings and goings). There has to be a lot of trust and care and support otherwise these groups don’t work, and people often share Big Stuff because of it (and because they need it!). It helps consistently reinforce the strong links
That's an incredible example that I would've never thought of on my own!
It was also interesting to read your perspective as a woman. If a man had been in a similar state to the girl and approached me, I would not have had the same reaction!
My partner, who is a woman, had the same reaction as you when I told her about this encounter. Definitely would've been a very different interaction if the gender roles were reversed. One thing that I want to dig into as I'm looking at strong-link societies is how social interactions work in traditionally matrilineal societies like the Mosuo in China, the Minangkabau in Indonesia, and the Akan in Ghana and Ivory Coast.
Strong-link society: Bali.
Thanks, Claudia! I didn’t have it on my list so that’s super helpful!
It’s beautiful, they have lots of activities to do together as a community mainly around temple worship but they include music groups, art, theater, cooking, dance etc. There’s always a group thing going on.
This brings up that religious communities are an obvious ingredient, but nice to see it spilling out into other areas of life in this example!
Ultimately people need shared ideals in order to do something together. Religion and making money seem to have worked so far.
Very interesting concept for the friendship lottery!
I don’t know if this counts but when I was teaching abroad at a Canadian international school I’m a small town in China, it felt like a strong link society. There were only about 30 of us surrounded by friendly but isolated Chinese who didn’t speak English. As a result our staff got very close - dining together, living together, working together, travelling together, sleeping together... in short, doing everything together.
I’m trying to think of some other strong link societies and I think Indian small towns would fit (perhaps not the large cities). The small farming communities seem quite close from now my partner (who is South Indian) describes them and from what I see in South Indian media.
Thanks! And those responses are exactly what I was hoping for--personal or more niche examples that I would be hard pressed to find via Google. Did you get a sense of whether the isolated Chinese villagers seemed to be strong-link or not? I have a few different ideas about the ingredients that play into the strong-link vs weak-link question: things like proximity to other people, especially strangers; size of the community (think above or below the famous Dunbar Number of approximately 150); collective vs individualistic cultural practices; scarcity vs abundance of resources; harshness of the climate and surrounding environment; top-down power structures vs bottom-up power structures.
If you're interested in being a part of the friendship lottery let me know and I'll throw your name in the proverbial hat when I draw the winners!
Interesting piece! I was drawn in by the fact that you hugged a stranger and wrote an essay about it, haha.
But along with the cultural bit... I think about how some places like NYC (so I hear, never been) I hear people don't really make small talk.
I hear some culture shock things where people from East Asian countries at least, are amazed that Americans make small talk with strangers.
I've heard that people in the south are "more friendly." Here in the Midwest I feel like you can get chatty people here and there but it's never felt weird when a stranger decided to start talking to you (especially if it's not contact or a catcall, haha).
When you talked about the 60s, it made me think about that time and before it for black people. Weak-link would be natural in a sense because of the nature of "blacks vs whites" and how scary it could be. Having that messaging continue to be carried on through generations or just life experiences (like I was listening to Mayim Bialik on her podcast talk to Julian Gant and how he always had police ask him what he's doing on the nice side of town when he was waiting for his wife as she got her nails done. He's said sometimes the interactions were friendly, other times not so much).
I know these weren't super niched examples! It's what came to mind as I read.
Collective vs individualistic was also something I thought of at first too. I know in Korea (it's slightly changing) it's a very community society. It was hard (harder a few years ago) to find places where you could get single servings of food (you know, that wasn't a convivence store or McDonald's). I'd hear YouTubers who lived there talk about how hard it was to find solo activities or food places, but then you need to rely on finding a way into these groups so you didn't feel isolated.
Thanks, Cierra! Glad you liked the piece and niche or not those are helpful examples! In particular you’re 100% right that my 60s example (and unfortunately into today) is definitely different based on race. And I’m flattening a lot of experiences, good and bad, in a country as large as ours. I have lived in a few different parts of the US and also for about a year in a different country and the cultural differences in terms of openness to small talk or strangers is real. Thanks again for reading and commenting! Let me know if you’d like me to enter you into the friendship lottery drawing when I get around to doing it.
Thank YOU for sharing your views! I'm glad you followed that itch to write after that stranger hug, haha. And I'll let you know about the friendship lottery! I'm gonna be honest, I went "eep!" and ran to my cave at the thought ahaha!
I’m interested! Will respond in full later
What a peculiar yet sweet occurrence! I imagine it's tough and isolating still with the pandemic, so I can empathize for her need for a hug. A thought-provoking essay. I'm not sure about strong link societies. BUT having learned a bit more about the French Foreign Legion, I imagine they're strong-link brothers in arms. In fact, if you have Ukrainians and Russians fighting together in the French Foreign Legion, they have to forget about what is happening in the outside world and become each other's brothers, they're responsible for each other now, no one else.
Thanks, Nadia! The hug was an interesting experience and spurred me to write this essay. Your suggestion of the French Foreign Legion is great! I’ll have to look into it, especially as it seems to transcend national identities.
That is awesome it spurred such an excellent essay! Yes, indeed, it's a fascinating corps, embracing tradition, history (no matter how ugly), brotherhood first, and giving chances to those who may have done wrong in their life in the past.
I suspect that we have the evolutionary instincts to tap into this sort of brotherhood first behavior. I do want to write follow ups that explore that deeper, to understand if my hypothesis is sound and what conditions trigger these positive instincts and what conditions trigger our more fear based responses.
That will undoubtedly be a fascinating read. For me, when it comes to being in the comfort of my home, I'm more open and receptive to others. But in the outside, unless I'm with more people I know and trust and/or we're at a gathering of people who all can trust each other, I'm more guarded. It's instinctual to protect yourself, and it's okay to be on guard because it's better be prepared than sorry lol. Alas, that's the reality of life.
In terms of being guarded in public, I am in total agreement. The downside is obvious and possible (even if unlikely); the upside is nonobvious (and probably even more unlikely). I also think that availability bias and the way that our brain’s focus more on the negative combine to hit that fear based response even harder.
Good points. Maybe someday that will change. But I'm not sure. We'll have to study strong-link situations/societies more and see what is being done right to cultivate that.
Seems to be a strong link situation when one is in a sit-down restaurant, which seems absurd, like how in-group/out-group studies highlight the absurdity of arbitrarily assigned groups. Other diners and staff are felt to be of no threat.
Love the idea of lottery, btw.
Good point! There’s almost certainly a strong evolutionary biology underpinning here and thanks for reminding me of some of these in group out group studies.
Anything better than being seen with apathy in any town of apathetic people just greeting themselves as if the wide world ended at the border of their apathetic mutual friendship. Sorry, it’s my better description. Regardless tourists, who belong to their own universe of nothingness
Amazing how wide the world is when we actually look.
It depends upon where you’re looking from
I think that the strong-link/weak-link dichotomy also depends on the situation helping to open people up. It's a lot easier to form strong links with a hard-charging project team than people who happen to share an office. Hardship, selection, and compatibility all play a part in forming true friends.
With this in mind, the Friendship Lottery is a great idea. Two people who read the same newsletter and "lucky" enough to go through the "hardship" of meeting a new person are definitely going to end up forming a connection!