Love your story. I’m also intrigued with why memories don’t match facts. I have theorized that the brain “files” all thoughts at night while we sleep. And that it can’t “file” an incomplete thought or event, so it sometimes just makes up an “ending”. I think that may lead to explaining dreams, good and bad. And why they seem to have some reality and some craziness in the same dream. Your theory adds new a dimension to my musings. I’m 73, and still try to “figure things out”. Like why put the period inside the quotation marks when the period is not part of the thought. :/
P.S. I may have read about brain filing long ago and now think it was my theory. So I may be a liar. I hate that!
Very interesting. Thanks for the concept of "memory reconsolidation." Now I have a name for several childhood "memories."
Just a quibble with Starlee and Laura: Starlee's conclusion that "either John had a terrible memory or my friend Laura was a liar. Just like Fellini[,]" is goofy. If John's memory is correct, that doesn't mean Laura is a liar -- it just means she might have a terrible memory herself. As for Fellini and his sea: an act of artistic creation may not be literally true, but it ain't no lie.
I so enjoyed reading this essay. Memory is fascinating and disturbing in equal measure I think. Our 4 children often reminisce their childhood when we’re all together round the table sharing a meal, their respective spouses listening with keen interest. What they remember rarely lines up with what my husband and I remember. It’s often loosely based on an event or circumstance and then elaborated to the extent it’s unrecognisable to us. The siblings will agree or disagree, each adding their own element to their shared ‘truth’. It has the power, at times, to make me feel like I’ve gone mad.... so different is their perception of the past. Not in a bad way, just nothing like I remember it. Jerome and I often talk about it after they’ve gone home, if only to reassure ourselves of our own sanity, but then as you so rightly point out, memory simply can’t be relied upon. Letting go of the past and staying present.♥️
As is often said about many things in life involving an honest error - Don’t sweat the details.
The brain might rehash actual memories much like dreams do simply because a lot of the details are unimportant. It’s the overall effect, lesson or emotion that matters.
Thank you! I am writing memoir and have both excused myself with the usual disclaimer of "In a few cases I collapse timelines for sake of narrative integrity. I have protected the identity of a few people. blah blah blah", and felt guilt over what I now understand to be an inescapable phenomenon of memory. Memory reconsolidation. IʻM FREE! And also simply heartbroken over your motherʻs frontal lobe being needlessly removed.
May 27, 2023·edited May 28, 2023Liked by Spencer Orenstein Lequerica
Memory is indeed an interesting thing, but largely misunderstood.
If I can be provocative, there is no absolute truth in any memory. In fact there is no such thing as absolute truth but one’s own. All what we call truth is merely relative truth: how we collectively agree on how things were. As long as we say “yesterday happened”, yesterday happened! But in reality, we don’t know.
.
Have I confused you yet?! Well, such is the nature of memory. It’s really tricky and can be devastating to one's psyche and wellbeing if one doesn't understand the underlying mechanism.
.
Each person views a phenomenon differently and consequently, stamps it in memory differently. So by the time we recall the memory, it can never be one-to-one as the experience itself. It's like when you ask a couple how they met. By the time each is done with their version you wonder if they ever met in the first place.
.
Every time we recall something we automatically censor which detail will come to the forefront and which will be discarded, depending on the situation that called for the recalling of the memory. And we do it subconsciously. The memory plays within us. In essence, what we know as ourselves is just a consequence of the memory that is stored within us, which is largely not in our access but it is playing out in its own way. So memory is hugely empowering on one level but it is also a buffer; a boundary line.
.
When it comes to our history, which is a collection of stories ("his story"), it shows that we can never really know how things really were, because they are a sum-total of memories recalled individually, but also manipulated by the memory itself. That's why the more sophisticated we become in the way we gather and store information, the more "versions of history" popup, which inadvertently messes us up.
.
The caveat here is that it was never the point to begin with. The point, at least in my view, is to understand the underlying mechanism, because then one can liberate themselves of the ordeal of clinging onto the past.
.
People have a hard time letting go of the need to search for the truth, while in fact, whatever they look for can only be a relative truth; the collection of agreements society has chosen to agree upon on how things were. In other words, the story that is not factual is as important as a story that is. Because the added value lies in the storytelling itself.
.
That's why movies, documentaries and news can never be an exact representation of history. And yet, they still serve an important contribution to the enhancement of our collective intelligence. The more variety we’re exposed to; the more angles and different ways of seeing things, the more our cognitive potential is heightened and ultimately, our awareness.
.
All these memories put us together. However, identifying with them is what disturbs us.
.
Thank you for an interesting and emotionally moving read.
I loved the beautiful insight about being present with your mother; beacons of love radiating from that lovely gift within your story. The questions about memory and lies and made me wonder about quantum jumping and the Mandela Effect ...perhaps the video store mentioned exists in a parallel timeline, and the Flood and different version of the video store in another. All versions of the truth (parallel realities) maybe serve a purpose for someone, somewhere. If I hold the view that this entire planet is a shared illusionary experience, there are no lies, only different choices and perspectives. We are always the dot at the intersection of infinite possibilities, forming our own matrix of background people to affirm or deny our version of reality. A visual for this idea is a giant interconnected web of dots that multiplies like fractals, creating multidimensional entangled webs...and we are the grasshoppers, jumping from strand to strand, changing our view with every leap.
Incredible essay. I read it when you first released it, and I felt the emotion in it, partly from your experience and partly from something that connected in mine. I had to let this one sit awhile, and reply when I had the time to do it justice.
You're right, we're both dealing with loss in our current work. I love how different our approaches are, and yet I feel a sort of kinship with your work.
Almost like any ground you cover or explore helps me when I sit back down to start the next word. I hope it's at least partially the same with you.
But more than that, the conclusion you land on is one that I'm orbiting now, but haven't gotten close enough to really express: That there is the loss, the memory, and the person, and we cannot put those things back together. The mystery is there, and it's so damn compelling, and our human brain craves a solve, but there isn't an answer. The best we have is stories.
It reminds me of a song, Let the Mystery Be. Have you heard of it?
The way that you structured this essay made me think of NPR's Radiolab. I have enjoyed a couple of podcasts from Gimlet in the past but now you have peaked my interest for this one. I think the founder of Gimlet was a producer of This American Life? Regardless, great piece!
Beautifully written. Memory reconsolidation is absolutely fascinating and is the basis of a therapy called EMDR, where we open up neural pathways of old memories and quite literally re-wire them, enabling people to live more at peace with what happened and less influenced by the past. It's quite magical to witness the transformations that can happen. Thanks for sharing your story - you are inspiring me to write something on this too!
Thank you so much for your interest, but the graphic memoir is at this point in its very beginning stages in my sketchbook. I write about here: https://balampman.substack.com/p/no-63-a-graphic-memoir-cometh, *and* I'll continue to post about it in my upcoming Feed the Monster (scheduled for the end of May) and for the foreseeable future.
The memoir is about my mother's Lewy Body dementia and also my relationship with her, and was the subject of an exhibit I had last year (which you can read about here): https://www.balampman.com/#/lifeswork/ and here: https://balampman.substack.com/p/no-48-why-did-the-chicken-commence. I called the show a "visual memoir", and it led me to fleshing out the story and developing what will become a graphic memoir. It's pretty much taken over my life 😅
There are some wonderful npr episodes about memory but since my stroke I can’t remember the name of the program. 🤪 It also had some great stuff about parasites. I had a memory about waving a rag doll at my mom high up in St John’s hospital in Santa Monica, CA when she had my brother so I would be a little over 2. Later I was told it was a rubber dolly. Now I can see two different memories I cannot resolve them, but “remember” both.
This made me cry. It also made me look up "memory reconsolidation" because you've inspired me to mention it in my next post. I'm working on a graphic memoir and I've always understood that my memories weren't *facts*, but I didn't have a term for it.
Love your story. I’m also intrigued with why memories don’t match facts. I have theorized that the brain “files” all thoughts at night while we sleep. And that it can’t “file” an incomplete thought or event, so it sometimes just makes up an “ending”. I think that may lead to explaining dreams, good and bad. And why they seem to have some reality and some craziness in the same dream. Your theory adds new a dimension to my musings. I’m 73, and still try to “figure things out”. Like why put the period inside the quotation marks when the period is not part of the thought. :/
P.S. I may have read about brain filing long ago and now think it was my theory. So I may be a liar. I hate that!
Very interesting. Thanks for the concept of "memory reconsolidation." Now I have a name for several childhood "memories."
Just a quibble with Starlee and Laura: Starlee's conclusion that "either John had a terrible memory or my friend Laura was a liar. Just like Fellini[,]" is goofy. If John's memory is correct, that doesn't mean Laura is a liar -- it just means she might have a terrible memory herself. As for Fellini and his sea: an act of artistic creation may not be literally true, but it ain't no lie.
I so enjoyed reading this essay. Memory is fascinating and disturbing in equal measure I think. Our 4 children often reminisce their childhood when we’re all together round the table sharing a meal, their respective spouses listening with keen interest. What they remember rarely lines up with what my husband and I remember. It’s often loosely based on an event or circumstance and then elaborated to the extent it’s unrecognisable to us. The siblings will agree or disagree, each adding their own element to their shared ‘truth’. It has the power, at times, to make me feel like I’ve gone mad.... so different is their perception of the past. Not in a bad way, just nothing like I remember it. Jerome and I often talk about it after they’ve gone home, if only to reassure ourselves of our own sanity, but then as you so rightly point out, memory simply can’t be relied upon. Letting go of the past and staying present.♥️
As is often said about many things in life involving an honest error - Don’t sweat the details.
The brain might rehash actual memories much like dreams do simply because a lot of the details are unimportant. It’s the overall effect, lesson or emotion that matters.
Thank you! I am writing memoir and have both excused myself with the usual disclaimer of "In a few cases I collapse timelines for sake of narrative integrity. I have protected the identity of a few people. blah blah blah", and felt guilt over what I now understand to be an inescapable phenomenon of memory. Memory reconsolidation. IʻM FREE! And also simply heartbroken over your motherʻs frontal lobe being needlessly removed.
Memory is indeed an interesting thing, but largely misunderstood.
If I can be provocative, there is no absolute truth in any memory. In fact there is no such thing as absolute truth but one’s own. All what we call truth is merely relative truth: how we collectively agree on how things were. As long as we say “yesterday happened”, yesterday happened! But in reality, we don’t know.
.
Have I confused you yet?! Well, such is the nature of memory. It’s really tricky and can be devastating to one's psyche and wellbeing if one doesn't understand the underlying mechanism.
.
Each person views a phenomenon differently and consequently, stamps it in memory differently. So by the time we recall the memory, it can never be one-to-one as the experience itself. It's like when you ask a couple how they met. By the time each is done with their version you wonder if they ever met in the first place.
.
Every time we recall something we automatically censor which detail will come to the forefront and which will be discarded, depending on the situation that called for the recalling of the memory. And we do it subconsciously. The memory plays within us. In essence, what we know as ourselves is just a consequence of the memory that is stored within us, which is largely not in our access but it is playing out in its own way. So memory is hugely empowering on one level but it is also a buffer; a boundary line.
.
When it comes to our history, which is a collection of stories ("his story"), it shows that we can never really know how things really were, because they are a sum-total of memories recalled individually, but also manipulated by the memory itself. That's why the more sophisticated we become in the way we gather and store information, the more "versions of history" popup, which inadvertently messes us up.
.
The caveat here is that it was never the point to begin with. The point, at least in my view, is to understand the underlying mechanism, because then one can liberate themselves of the ordeal of clinging onto the past.
.
People have a hard time letting go of the need to search for the truth, while in fact, whatever they look for can only be a relative truth; the collection of agreements society has chosen to agree upon on how things were. In other words, the story that is not factual is as important as a story that is. Because the added value lies in the storytelling itself.
.
That's why movies, documentaries and news can never be an exact representation of history. And yet, they still serve an important contribution to the enhancement of our collective intelligence. The more variety we’re exposed to; the more angles and different ways of seeing things, the more our cognitive potential is heightened and ultimately, our awareness.
.
All these memories put us together. However, identifying with them is what disturbs us.
.
Thank you for an interesting and emotionally moving read.
I loved the beautiful insight about being present with your mother; beacons of love radiating from that lovely gift within your story. The questions about memory and lies and made me wonder about quantum jumping and the Mandela Effect ...perhaps the video store mentioned exists in a parallel timeline, and the Flood and different version of the video store in another. All versions of the truth (parallel realities) maybe serve a purpose for someone, somewhere. If I hold the view that this entire planet is a shared illusionary experience, there are no lies, only different choices and perspectives. We are always the dot at the intersection of infinite possibilities, forming our own matrix of background people to affirm or deny our version of reality. A visual for this idea is a giant interconnected web of dots that multiplies like fractals, creating multidimensional entangled webs...and we are the grasshoppers, jumping from strand to strand, changing our view with every leap.
Hey Spencer,
Incredible essay. I read it when you first released it, and I felt the emotion in it, partly from your experience and partly from something that connected in mine. I had to let this one sit awhile, and reply when I had the time to do it justice.
You're right, we're both dealing with loss in our current work. I love how different our approaches are, and yet I feel a sort of kinship with your work.
Almost like any ground you cover or explore helps me when I sit back down to start the next word. I hope it's at least partially the same with you.
The structure of this piece is tight and easy to read - something I noticed in your isolation piece. If anyone reading this hasn't tried that one, please do: https://thebrownbarge.substack.com/p/how-long-can-you-live-in-isolation
But more than that, the conclusion you land on is one that I'm orbiting now, but haven't gotten close enough to really express: That there is the loss, the memory, and the person, and we cannot put those things back together. The mystery is there, and it's so damn compelling, and our human brain craves a solve, but there isn't an answer. The best we have is stories.
It reminds me of a song, Let the Mystery Be. Have you heard of it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlaoR5m4L80
Interesting. I explored something similar here: https://medium.com/incoherent-brainfarts/neural-decorators-88b9567ee770
Wow. What a powerful, thought-provoking essay. The last sentences brought tears to my eyes.
The way that you structured this essay made me think of NPR's Radiolab. I have enjoyed a couple of podcasts from Gimlet in the past but now you have peaked my interest for this one. I think the founder of Gimlet was a producer of This American Life? Regardless, great piece!
This was truly beautiful
Beautifully written. Memory reconsolidation is absolutely fascinating and is the basis of a therapy called EMDR, where we open up neural pathways of old memories and quite literally re-wire them, enabling people to live more at peace with what happened and less influenced by the past. It's quite magical to witness the transformations that can happen. Thanks for sharing your story - you are inspiring me to write something on this too!
Thank you so much for your interest, but the graphic memoir is at this point in its very beginning stages in my sketchbook. I write about here: https://balampman.substack.com/p/no-63-a-graphic-memoir-cometh, *and* I'll continue to post about it in my upcoming Feed the Monster (scheduled for the end of May) and for the foreseeable future.
The memoir is about my mother's Lewy Body dementia and also my relationship with her, and was the subject of an exhibit I had last year (which you can read about here): https://www.balampman.com/#/lifeswork/ and here: https://balampman.substack.com/p/no-48-why-did-the-chicken-commence. I called the show a "visual memoir", and it led me to fleshing out the story and developing what will become a graphic memoir. It's pretty much taken over my life 😅
There are some wonderful npr episodes about memory but since my stroke I can’t remember the name of the program. 🤪 It also had some great stuff about parasites. I had a memory about waving a rag doll at my mom high up in St John’s hospital in Santa Monica, CA when she had my brother so I would be a little over 2. Later I was told it was a rubber dolly. Now I can see two different memories I cannot resolve them, but “remember” both.
This made me cry. It also made me look up "memory reconsolidation" because you've inspired me to mention it in my next post. I'm working on a graphic memoir and I've always understood that my memories weren't *facts*, but I didn't have a term for it.